How to Deal with Regret: Finding Perspective in the Present
November 5, 2026 · 5 min read · Amicus Occultus
Regret is a sharp, persistent feeling that points toward a version of the past that no longer exists. It is the friction between what happened and what you wish had happened instead. When you feel it, you are often caught in a mental loop, replaying scenes in your mind as if you could change the outcome. The first step in dealing with regret is recognizing that the discomfort arises from a conceptual attachment to a static version of history that cannot be touched or altered.
To move forward, you do not need to suppress the memory or force yourself to be happy. Instead, you can learn to sit with the sensation of regret without allowing it to dominate your entire sense of self. When the mind fixates on a past error, it creates a narrow tunnel of reality. By acknowledging the feeling as a passing thought rather than an immutable truth about your character, you can begin to loosen the grip that the past has on your present attention.
Why do we get stuck in cycles of regret?
The human mind is wired to scan for threats and problems, a mechanism that once helped humans survive in the wild. When applied to the past, this same mechanism turns inward. We replay mistakes hoping that by analyzing them, we can prevent them from happening again. This is a form of mental rehearsal. However, because the past is finished, this rehearsal provides no real utility. It becomes a repetitive feedback loop that reinforces the idea that your identity is defined by a singular poor decision or a series of events.
From a psychological perspective, we often stay stuck because we equate regret with moral responsibility. We fear that if we stop ruminating, we are somehow saying that the past action was acceptable. But regret is an emotional response, whereas remorse or taking responsibility is a conscious action. You can recognize a mistake clearly without needing to punish yourself internally every day. The former keeps you in the past, while the latter allows you to learn and pivot toward a different way of acting in the future.
Can we change our relationship to the past?
Non-dual traditions offer a different way to view the timeline of our lives. In Advaita Vedanta, the focus is on the realization that the true self is unchanging, constant, and separate from the shifting circumstances of a personal life. From this view, the person who made the mistake is a transient appearance, not the deepest reality of your being. By shifting your attention toward the witness of your thoughts, rather than the content of the thoughts themselves, you can create distance from the regret.
Buddhist philosophy, specifically the teachings on emptiness or shunyata, approaches this differently. Emptiness does not mean that nothing exists; it means that nothing possesses an inherent, unchanging core. Your actions in the past were the result of a vast, complex web of conditions—your state of mind, your upbringing, the environment, and countless external factors. When you look closely, you cannot find a single, solid "you" that acted in isolation. Everything is interconnected and constantly changing. Seeing the fluid nature of your own history can lessen the weight of singular regrets.
How to practice presence when regret arises
If you are experiencing significant distress or find that these thoughts consistently interfere with your daily life, please consider speaking with a mental health professional. In the United States and Canada, you can call or text 988 for support at any time.
For general moments of unease, a simple grounding practice can help return your focus to the present. This practice is not meant to erase the past, but to help you move from a state of contraction to a state of openness.
A five-minute practice for difficult thoughts
- Sit in a comfortable position where you can remain alert but relaxed. Close your eyes or soften your gaze.
- When a thought of regret arises, label it silently as "thinking." Do not push it away, but acknowledge that it is a mental event happening now.
- Turn your attention to your physical body. Notice where you feel the sensation of regret. Is it in your chest, your stomach, or your jaw? Describe the sensation neutrally, such as "tightness" or "heat."
- Take three slow, deep breaths, focusing entirely on the sensation of air entering and leaving the body. Notice the environment around you—the sounds in the room, the feeling of the chair beneath you.
- Return to your day. If the thought comes back, repeat these steps. Each time you return, you are training your mind to prioritize the reality of the present moment over the simulation of the past.
Does the past have an inherent existence?
In Madhyamaka, a school of Mahayana Buddhism, the past is described as a conceptual construction. Because the past is no longer manifesting, it lacks the substance of the present. We treat the past as if it were a physical object we carry around, but it is actually just a series of mental imprints or memory traces. These traces appear when we trigger them, but they do not have a life of their own. By treating the past as a memory rather than a reality, you begin to see that you do not need to resolve it. You only need to change how you relate to the memory.
What is the difference between regret and remorse?
Regret is often self-referential; it centers on the ego and how a past action affects our current self-image. It is often accompanied by the "I wish I hadn't" internal monologue. Remorse, however, is often rooted in empathy. It acknowledges the effect one's actions had on others. Remorse can be a catalyst for growth and making amends where possible. Regret, if left unchecked, tends to keep us stagnant, while remorse can be an active, constructive process. If you feel regret, you might ask yourself: Is this serving a productive purpose, or is this just an internal cycle of self-criticism? If it is the latter, it is helpful to gently pivot toward awareness.
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to stop feeling regret about a mistake? No. Letting go of the emotional cycle of regret is not the same as forgetting the lesson. You can maintain accountability for your actions while releasing the need to suffer repeatedly over them.
Why does regret feel so heavy in the body? Strong emotions often manifest as physical constriction, like tension in the muscles or shallow breathing, as part of the body's stress response. Grounding exercises can help signal to your nervous system that you are safe in the present moment.
What if my regret is about something I can never fix? When a situation cannot be changed, the only place for resolution is within your own perspective. Accepting the finality of the event allows you to stop fighting against reality, which is often where the deepest suffering originates.